The energy drink for when you’re a calorie-counting studmuffin

Low-carb Monster energy drink tastes quite nice, for a change, although its motto is “Unleash the Beast!” Like many of these cans of fizzy water, it’s let down by the copy on the side. I wonder if the manufacturers ever cry when they see a liquid they’ve created with pride plastered with dumb macho sloganeering? Like an author who publishes a book and finds the quote on the back cover is “FUCK, THIS IS AN AWESOME BOOK! WITH MUCH COOLER WORDS THAN ANYTHING YOUR SOFT MATES ARE READING”. Anyway, Monster makes the following claims:

“We went down to the lab”

Nice Monster Mash reference, but waaaait – you mean it’s not naturally brewed by Swiss virgins?

“and performed major surgery on the Monster. We hacked out carbohydrates and calories,”

And this copy, apparently,

“transplanted the massive buzz and dialed in the flavor”

Now, I’m not Thomas Pynchon, but I think here they mean “dialed UP”. We’ve heard of musicians and actors “dialing IN” their performances, and it’s never been a compliment.

Anyway, it doesn’t taste too terrible, and there’s not many diet drinks you can say that about. Although I think informed health-conscious people would run a mile away from energy drinks on principle. And not get out of breath.

I’m thinking of trying one of those energy shots sometime, but that’s as close to Morgan Spurlock as I’m getting.


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