Halloween party & the ongoing fight against entropy

My flat is having a Halloween party on October 31st, and you’re allll invited – unless we’ve had to recently take out a trespass order against you, of course. E-mail me for further details.

Today in my ongoing battle against entropy I cleaned our two bathrooms, mopped the kitchen floor, trimmed the path, put out the recycling and hand-cut the front lawn with a mighty pair of shears. My arms still look like liquorice straps, but now they’re the ‘extra firm’ kind.

I’m slightly worried by our landlady… we’ve waited three weeks for her to call a plumber to get one of our toilets fixed. Neglected pipes have caused the foundation to shift, and there’s a big crack in the S-bend, but technically it doesn’t matter, because when you flush it, the water escapes through a big hole in the wall. Apparently she did call a plumber, but sent him to the wrong street, to another No.5 property they own. Having so many property investments that you get them confused must be tough.

Yet our landlady keeps wanting to talk about hiring a gardener for $25 a month, which we’d have to pay. I tried to tactfully explain to her that the fact that it’s 7℃ in my bedroom is of more pressing concern to me than the state of whichever hideous imported weed is currently strangling the garden. She mentioned that the ceiling of the flat is actually insulated, which saddens me, because either it’s the worst installation job ever, or it’s been insulated with ______ *

Oh, and we have one or two mice in the ceiling, and instead of calling an exterminator, she wants us to lay traps in the hall and entice them down to where we walk around and make love and read magazines**, so they can be trapped. I explained to her that we prefer them to hang around in the ceiling, where we don’t have to meet them socially.

* Insert name of any substance which wouldn’t make things warmer when used as ceiling insulation, because I can’t think of one. Golfballs, ricepaper, Kinder Surprise eggs… even Weetbix would trap the heat. Come on, scientists, I’ve read the blog stats, I know you guys read this from your labs when you’re supposed to discovering new hydrotalcite compounds.
** In that order.

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8 Responses to “Halloween party & the ongoing fight against entropy”

  1. I’m no chemist, but I guess if you filled your ceiling space with water and ammonium nitrate, the endothermic reaction might cool your house further.
    Perhaps you could improve your house’s insulation by allowing the rodents to reproduce freely, until they invade the wall spaces as well as the ceiling. When the population density is at its peak, nuke ’em. Furry corpses would have to be good insulators, right?
    If you read magazines immediately after making love, you’re doing something wrong.
    PS Sorry for making light of your housing situation.

  2. My flatmate was offended, but I laughed.
    Even though you criticise my lovemaking technique.

  3. If just the ceiling is insulated, all the heat will be escaping through the walls.

    Possibly a ceiling cavity full of metal would do an effective job of absorbing all the heat from the room. Not sure whether the effect of this on room temperature would be outweighed by the fact that the heat has not actually left the house. I mean, eventually the metal slab would reach the same temperature as the room, and from then on all further heat generated inside would stay inside.

  4. Couldn’t That Nice Man, Mr Key sort it out? Isn’t sorting out what he does?

  5. Would shredded politician make an effective insulator? Wouldn’t I have to cut him with a few civil servants?

  6. You shred them just for the pleasure of it. Whether they have any insulation properties is incidental, but I imagine that you would experience a warm glow while performing the act.

  7. I’d be quick if you do plan on using shredded politicians as insulation, I hear that there will soon be a lot less of Tariana Turia to shred.

  8. I may have to include factotums and yes-men.

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