The energy drink for when you feel like paying double for nothing much at all

The latest imported energy drink available at Chaffer’s Park New World is Emerge. Imported from the UK, this little tube which proudly proclaims its price to be “35p” on the can has somehow been inflated from NZ$0.80 to $1.69 on its long journey, but that’s okay, because we’re used to paying double for imported goods, aren’t we?

Waaaait… this isn’t the Seventies anymore! Someone’s ripping us off!

…Wait, everyone’s ripping us off!

That makes it okay, then. Everyone back to chewing grass.

Anyway, Emerge has nothing to distinguish it from several other energy drinks. Just another yellow fizz that tastes like battery acid.

I was thinking about energy drinks again because a few days ago I walked past a ten year-old kid in Kelburn greedily slurping Red Bull from one of the large 355ml cans, which contains as much caffeine as 1.5 espressos. Although it says ‘Not suitable for children’ on the can, there’s nothing to legally prevent them from being sold to kids. Dairies can be bloody irresponsible, can’t they?

Yesterday I saw another kid in town drinking a Mother energy drink (another 1.5 espressos) who was about eleven. This is the problem when something is advertised as being ultra-masculine and giving you instant power*. What little boy wouldn’t find that irresistible?

Manly Soundtrack:
Mister Pop ~The Clean
Metropolis: The Chase Suite EP ~Janelle Monae
Love Symbol Album ~Prince

*”By the power of Grayskull, I have the power!” I never actually watched this show as a kid, it’s something else, like rugby, that I completely missed out on growing up. Despite appearances, I’m the straightest guy I know.

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