Awful Flatmates

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This is for Bristle #10.


11 Responses to “Awful Flatmates”

  1. David Thomsen Says:

    How did you get the slideshow thing? I’ve been wondering if my comic would be a lot less intimidating if people could read it a panel at a time and not see all at once that I’ve ignored the golden words-per-page ratio.

    Hmm, flatmates.

    * Putting a pan of chickpeas on the oven at full heat and leaving the building for the day, so that when someone returns six hours later the kitchen is filled with smoke and the pan catches fire when you lift it off the stove.

    * Mysterious brown splotches on the floor and wall of the bathroom that one is eventually identified as fecal matter.

    * Having one of the phones in their bedroom and then being extremely familiar with a conversation that someone else had on a different phone the previous evening.

    * Leaving the cordless phone locked in their room.

    * Acting like a princess when you ask them not to lock the cordless phone in their room. Acting like a princess in general, actually.

    * Hiding the cordless phone in YOUR room and then ringing it to prove that sometimes you leave the cordless phone in your room too, unaware of the fact that you have never ever ever taken the cordless phone into your room.

    * Moving out of your room without telling anyone and locking their door. No one ever saw them anyway so it’s three months later that anyone becomes aware of their absense, at which point the rent has bounced a couple of times because of not enough funds in the flat account.

    * Agreeing to move in. You take down your TradeMe advertisement and take a couple of weeks of rent in advance. On the day she is supposed to move in she leaves a note saying she changed her mind and that the we had “deceived her” because “the flat looks dirtier in the daylight” and demands her rent back, even though she has cost us a lot of time we could have been looking for a new flatmate. We keep the money as compensation, of course, and finish cleaning the flat anyway, as we had agreed to. We are called bad, bad people.

    * Leaving a note in the letterbox on Christmas Day telling us that our rent is going up.

    * Telling you to open your curtains so that you spend less money on lighting, even though you will have absolutely zero privacy. At the same time, making a two-hour roast meal in the oven every night.

    And these happened to other people…

    * Removing all other cables from the router so they have exclusive access to the internet.

    * Going into the rooms of other people and taking the RAM out of their computers.

    * Bullying you out of the flat but refusing to take you off the tenancy agreement so you have to keep paying rent until it expires. Then, demanding the key back.

    * Blocking your computer from the router. Having your boyfriend trespassed. Urinating in your orange juice. Forcing you out, and refusing to take your name off the tenancy agreement. Then, demanding the key back.

    (The last two happened to two different people in two different flats.)

  2. David Thomsen Says:

    The guy telling me to use less lighting was the guy cooking two-hour roasts every night. I don’t know if that’s particulary clear. I never actually used the oven or the microwave or the television. Didn’t have a computer at this point either. So one lightbulb was pretty much my only power usage. It’s no surprise that anyone would think I was responsible for the horrendous power bills.

    Also the one raising our rent is the landlord, not another flatmate.

  3. Gosh sounds like you have had a bad run. Are you still stuck with any of them?

  4. Rhinocrates Says:

    The author is being extremely tactful. There is much, much worse that could be told. Personally I would struggle to find a way to succinctly describe one in particular that would not immediately be spiked by the editor.

    Personally, I would not even try.

    If anything, the complaints strike me as rather prosaic due to that tactfulness. Reality, as they say is unrealistic (see Some real people, if they were presented as caricatures, would be dismissed as bad caricatures – and yet, they are real.

  5. Rhinocrates Says:

    … and many are running Massey McUniversity.

  6. The slideshow is a WordPress thing where you just type in “[slideshow]” and it displays all the images in the gallery associated with that date, but there’s no way of adjusting the speed.

  7. David Thomsen Says:

    I’ve actually realised I had the power all along, just open ‘Flash’ and create a ‘Flash Slide Presentation’. I get to customise everything, unlike internet gadgets that force you to have everything the way they think you want to be.

  8. Yes, it’s dreadful toiling under the yoke of the oppressor, but on the other hand, I can’t be arsed.

  9. Oooh, ooh! I love sharing flatmate from hell stories. Some of the lovelies I’ve had to deal with:
    -Living with 3 guys and not knowing which one had been stealing my knickers off the washing line (thought it was a neighbour or passerby till I found one pair of my undies stuffed down the side of the couch cushions in our living room). Shudder.
    – Getting a $400 power bill (1 month) because of a flatmate who liked to use his heater 24/7, with the window open so he didn’t have to go outside to have a smoke, and wouldn’t wear a jersey/jumper over his t-shirt because it made his skin scratchy. He also refused to believe that his poor sleeping habits and cranky attitude had anything to do with his 30+ cups of coffee a day. When I also suggested that maybe he should buy his own milk since he was consuming 2l per day, he countered by saying I should buy my own toilet paper, since girls use more. Funnily enough, he stopped using that particular argument after we had another flatmate (male) move in, and our flat toilet paper consumption noticeably increased (we were going through over 18 rolls a week in a flat with 4 people). To this day I’m not sure what that guy was doing with all that loo paper – sculptures? There is a limit to how much one can jerk off, surely?
    But one flatmate really took the cake. This charming lass was 4ft-something ethnic minority with a pronounced limp, so initially we felt kinda mean everytime we asked her to change her ways. I look back now and laugh, but at the time it was very distressing. Among many other things, she:
    -refused to do any cleaning in the house.
    – boiled whole chickens on the stovetop for hours on end (and left them completely unattended until we told her it wasn’t safe). Her dinner typically consisted of one entire chicken or a similar sized portion of other type of animal flesh, followed by a huge bowl of chocolate ice cream, followed by a whole lot of pasta with no sauce on it (except for the dregs of ice cream she left in the bowl).
    -defrosted meat on the benchtop, uncovered. I told her umpteen times that it wasn’t safe for her to do this, but she ignored me, even after catching the neighbours’ cat eating it one day. On another occasion I threw out some of her meat because I found it covered with maggots – she accused me of stealing her food when I told her what I had done.
    -nearly came to blows with our 5ft-nothing German flatmate on several occasions.
    -became embarrassingly infatuated with our then-boyfriends. When my boyfriend was in the house she would kneel at his feet, watching him adoringly while he worked on his laptop. One evening I was sitting with my boyfriend watching tv in the lounge, while she sat opposite us, scribbling away in a notebook. My boyfriend stood up to go and get a glass of water, and she screamed at him to sit back down. Turns out she had been drawing him without asking. My boyfriend was a bit weirded out but complied. I went and had a look at her drawing – only his hairy, scrawny legs featured.
    -One day the neighbour’s very cute kitten wandered into our living room unannounced. We were horrified when our flatmate suddenly crouched down and pulled the kitten’s tail very hard – when we told her what she had done was cruel, she laughed and said she liked to “watch him puff up”. She then told us about the pet rabbit she kept hidden in her wardrobe while at boarding school – she fed it meat. She seemed really puzzled as to how it had died.
    – Wanted to install fluorescent lights in her sleep-out bedroom because the regular lightbulb wasn’t bright enough and “flickered”. We told her the landlady wouldn’t approve, and would also think we were up to something dodgy. We bought her a higher wattage lightbulb and she came and complained that it was too bright.
    – The final straw was when we discovered that she had a chamber pot in her bedroom. Honestly, I would have coped if it was just for overnight and she emptied it every morning – since her sleepout didn’t have an internal connection to the house. However, by chamberpot I mean a 20 l container that was filled nearly to the brim when I spied it. Ew…… I nearly vomited.
    – Initially refused to move out of the house. Took us two months to get her to leave, after threatening to call the police (she wasn’t on tenancy agreement).
    We got a call from international student services after she moved out. Turns out she had been in 6 flats over a 2 year period, and they wanted to know why, so that they “could help her find appropriate accommodation”.

  10. I empathise with your knicker-stealing flatmate, but only because I’ve met you. The last time I knew someone who consumed vast amounts of toilet paper, she had a serious eating disorder and was literally consuming it.

  11. Rhinocrates Says:

    I envy you all. I can only complain about myself, the bastard.

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