18 things I learnt from finally watching the Millennium Trilogy

  1. Don’t fuck with Lisbeth Salander.
  2. Chicks dig doughy Swedish journalists in their mid-forties.
  3. Noomi Rapace has huge cheekbones, like a dome tent.
  4. No-one in Sweden locks their doors.
  5. When you tune in to a traffic report on your car radio in Sweden, you’ll immediately drive past the incident in question.
  6. Every male over the age of seventy is either a Nazi or a pedophile.
  7. The DVD of The Girl Who Played with Fire has an odd stereo sound mix: most of the audio is in the centre and sounds like it was recorded in a biscuit tin, while the incidental music is much higher quality, and pipes in ominously from the extreme edges of the stereo image.
  8. Apple computers are ridiculously easy to hack, but only with other Apple computers.
  9. Apple laptops have keyboards which go “clackity-clack”
  10. Like many trilogies, the first film is fine on its own, while the second leaves things open so the consequences can be dealt with in the third.
  11. Investigative reporting involves the meticulous analysis of thousands of pages of information, with brief breaks involving being shot at in forests and beaten up in restaurants.
  12. There are only two non-white people in Stockholm.
  13. Old Swedish houses are apparently full of white smoke which catches the sunlight atmospherically.
  14. The official DVD English subtitles are rather dull – the downloadable ones are badly formatted and frequently hilarious, managing to make the speakers sound formal and retarded at the same time, as though they learnt English from text messages. There’s no female pronouns and they keep referring to a Soviet “detour” instead of “defector”.
  15. For added hilarity with the downloaded subtitles, turn down the volume and read the dialogue in the voice of Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.
  16. If you didn’t have issues before being committed to a Swedish children’s psychiatric hospital, you certainly will by the time you get out.
  17. The relationship between Blomkvist and Salander is beautifully gauged, even though they spend very little time onscreen together after the first film.
  18. Men Who Hate Women is a more relevant title than The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, but The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest is a much better title than The Air Castle That Exploded.

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