The ultimate energy drink?

28 Black

When I saw this being unloaded in New World Metro, I knew I’d struck energy drink gold. Here’s a checklist:

Pretentious name: ‘28 Black‘. This refers to the number of açaí berries it contains per litre, although it’s only sold in 250ml cans, which would make it ‘7 Black’. Nice to see it’s futureproofed for different sizes, though.

Mysterious ingredients: The elusive açaí berry. Pronounced ‘Ah-sah-ee’. Note the little squiggle under the ‘c’ there. The açaí berry is usually found in Brazil hiding from Scrabble officials in the Rio De Janeiro InterContinental. When caught and sat on, it extrudes a panicked musk irresistible to shellfish everywhere. Lobsters scuttle out of their pots, sea urchins swarm across zebra crossings up the service elevator. Prawns wet themselves. Tastes a bit like boysenberry.

Classy packaging: A mysterious black can with a velvety texture. It looks like aftershave, or that Rexona rugby sculpture which caused outrage in Dunedin a few months ago.

Exotic origins: Imported from Germany, for no apparent reason.

Ludicrous ad copy:

“The Day Has 28 Hours”.

No. No, it doesn’t. I don’t think I can overemphasize this.

“Enjoy the unique taste and effect of this lightly carbonated fruity açaí flavoured drink with guarana, isomaltulose and caffeine.”

Yum! Isomaltulose!

“Energy is now a matter of taste.”

Yeah! Take that, loser whole grains!

 Science!: In the supermarket I couldn’t choose between this and 28 White, the sugar-free version, but the clincher was a little graph printed on the back which shows how isomaltulose releases more energy than sugar over time. From now on, I shall only eat food which has a graph printed on it.

Extra bonus features: The can comes with a darling little 12-page booklet attached to its neck with an elastic band, like Paddington Bear’s label. The booklet has a larger version of the graph (did I mention the graph?), a picture of a basket of real açaí berries, a sophisticated cocktail recipe just like James Bond would make (with the warning “Alcoholic beverages are of course for adults only”) and a picture of something which looks like basil but is actually stevia, the sweetener used in 28 White, and the third word I learnt today.


One Response to “The ultimate energy drink?”

  1. What are energy drinks…

    […]The ultimate energy drink? « The Name Of This Cartoon Is Brunswick[…]…

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