The drink for when the joke might be on you

Big Cock

Yes, there’s a rooster on the can. And the obligatory 32g of caffeine per 100mls. I think what you’re supposed to do is treat this product like candy cigarettes, walking along the street and scandalizing people by showing them the label which says ‘Big Cock’, and then defusing the resultant tension and outrage by showing them the rooster. This would all be very fine and good if they’d thought their sexual innuendo through properly.

Considering that the target market for this drink is teenage boys who aren’t worried about wrecking their livers, the text on the can passes through a surprisingly broad continuum of gayness, from only slightly gay to extremely undeniably gay. Consider:

Formulated for fulfilment

Fair enough. Barely a “Phwoar!” on the Oo-er-ometer, but we’re only warming up.

Hits the spot

Yes… that’s not too dodgy, unless you’ve seen Deep Throat.

Arouses your tastebuds

Ah. You see, a typical drinker of this product would not want their tastebuds aroused by a ‘Big Cock’. This is where the comedy gold of the product name begins to work against its own ad copy.

Big cock gives you a solid energy thrust, longer and harder than other energy drinks

Whoa there, cowboy! Are you really sure you want to put this inside your body? Aren’t you afraid it’ll leave you feeling like a windsock?

Once you’ve had big cock, you won’t go back!

This bitter lament is voiced by recently-minted hard-bitten homosexuals all over the country, who will forever regret the day they bought that energy drink with the rooster and the humorous name. It’s 500ml Taurine V all over again, and their sly question “you know what they say about big black cans?” Of course, once you innocently enquire and find out, it’s all over, Rover.

Harmless energy drink with a silly name, or gateway drug to a lifetime of friendship with Dorothy? You decide.

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